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Last two days have been pretty unimportant. Just... doing stuff. Had classes and did stuff and... yeah. Not a lot. Did get this "Belly Book" which is supposed to be a diary of sorts to chart your pregnancy. It should be good.
Today on the other hand... my hormones have been insane. Everything pisses me off, I'm grumpy and I'm just.... scared. I've been scared out of my mind all day. All these baby books, everything... they all talk about doing stuff with your husband or your partner... I don't have that. I don't have anyone to be there for me through all of this stuff, through all the hormone changes and the weight gain and the rest of the bodily changes. I'm just really scared about doing this without someone, you know?
I'm sure that'll fade with time. I just wish the loneliness would too. Maybe it will.
-Jessica
- Mood:
scared
Example: Today, I really wanted something at lunch, but I didn't know what. I got rice. No. I got salad. No. I got ice cream. No. I got funyuns. Ding Ding Ding!
We had a winner. But it took me like... 45 minutes to figure out what I wanted. It was pretty annoying. But food is good now, so I'm happy.
I've also learned that I can't stay up past 11 o'clock anymore. I've been exhausted all day because I was like "I can handle staying up until 1. It's just 1." No, no I can't. I keep almost falling asleep. It's crazy. And annoying. And... yeah. Yada, yada, yada. I've totally forgotten what I was going to say.
That's another thing, my memory is totally shot. What's up with that?
I finished Heroes! I'm so happy. That show is so freakin' amazing. And I just went on this rampage and bought some songs from the Across the Universe soundtrack because they are absolutly amazing. I'm in love and I can't wait until the movie comes out. It's going to be breath taking.
Yes, so, in other words, absolutly nothing went on today and I have nothing to write about but yeah... that was today!
Dude... screw this, I'm going to get a Cherry Limeaid... or however you spell it.
-Jessica
- Location:Inside my head...
- Mood:
confused - Music:"Black Bird" Rachel Evan Wood, Across the Universe sdtrk
Well, for this journal anyhow. Let's start out with some stats, shall we?
Weight: roughly 284. No, I'm not extremely pregnant, I've always been fat.
Baby: Somewhere around 5 weeks pregnant.
Father: Currently absent. It's complicated.
Morning Sickness: I've only thrown up once today, Apple Strudles are not great anymore.
My name is Jessica, I'm 20 years old and I live in Texas. I'm in college, majoring in Radio-Television-Film and I'm pregnant. No, I'm not getting married, no I'm not having an abortion and no, I don't know if I'm keeping the baby. But I do know I'm having it. I'm pretty scared, but the way I see it, I could be worse off. My parents could be pissed (they aren't), my friends could all abandon me (they haven't), and I could be totally alone. So far, I'm doing this whole thing by myself, without the father around, but I really don't mind. I don't want someone who's pushing me to make decisions in my life. I've only known I'm pregnant for about two weeks. I can't make any decisions that quickly. No one can. So if he doesn't like that I'm not up to his speed, then, well, fuck him.
Yes, I said fuck.
I'm not all... Baby focused though. I mean, I am this kid is currently the focus of everything because it's preventing me from keeping a lot of my favorite foods down, but there are other things in my life. I'm a writer and I have my friends and family and I love music and am addicted to some television shows. I'm a student with a lot of aspirations, but.... everything's changing now. It's all becoming very different.
It's not like I don't have any experience with kids luckily. I'm the oldest of five kids and I've been around them my entire life. My mom runs a day care. I love kids. I just didn't plan on having one so soon...
Time to do a little bit of growing up, right? Yay.
-Jessica
- Location:The computer!
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Tyler Hilton "You, My Love"